cowfish

My erstwhile local colleague (now remote due to an unfortunate decision to return to the US due to the easier obtaining of cable TV showing “proper” football) Todd and I both have a love of great movies. However we differ in our opinions on one very specific actor – the kung fu powerhouse that is Jason “The Transporter” Statham. We can sum those opinions up very easily – I liked The Transporter 2 and Todd consistently spells his name “Stratham”. On his departure back to Merkia I presented him with a fitting departure gift to help remind him of his time in the UK – a copy of Crank on DVD. He lamented his lack of a region 2 DVD player and offered it back to me until I pointed out that I had though ahead and bought a region 1 copy, just to make sure that he could watch it. As far as I know it remains safely sealed in its original mylar wrapper, and sits hidden on a shelf acting as a warning to others.

Anyway, here is a mildly edited email based conversation that we had over the last couple of days, concerning our love of the aforementioned great films.

Todd: http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=41054 – They’ve finally done it… combined Jason Stratham movies.  Outstanding. Wait, isn’t Transporter 3 actually Crank 2? Where Vin Diesel lives his life “a quarter mile at a time”. I’m so confused….

Billy: They all blend into one another after a while… Vin is in the “late Schwarzenegger” period of his career at the moment, acting with children and animals in alleged comedies. Soon he’ll start getting sequels to his successes (if any of his previous films can be counted as a success) and then retire to a life of groping women and playing at politics.

T: does Jason Stratham constantly live his life in jeopardy if he slows down/leaves his car?

B: He, like Chuck Norris, knows no fear and is immune to physical damage. He also never needs to slow down. See Crank for details.

T: I am waiting for Death Race on DVD, so I can do a WAR (w/Jet Li) / Death Race back to back

B: That may actually cause your heart to stop. I applaud your dedication to the cause. If you want a warm-up that might cause irreversible bodily harm, then I recommend Uwe Boll’s fantasy masterpiece, “In the Name of the King“. It’s got Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds in it as well as Mr Statham starring with an “all-star” cast (Scooby Doo really killed Matthew Lillard’s career…), so it must be good…right? I just added it to my Lovefilm list, as I’ve not been brave enough to do so until inspired by your Death Race/WAR martyrdom.

T: Wait, Matthew Lillard had a career?  When did this happen?

B: It seems that yet again I have placed too much importance in the film ”Hackers“. A common mistake for me and one for which I apologise unreservedly…

T: Don’t discount “Hackers” – a film that introduced us to the “talents” of Angelina Jolie… Scooby Doo didn’t do anyone any favors (see Freddie Prinze Jr, Sarah Michelle Gellar, etc – or maybe that’s the point… you can’t see them anymore!)

B: SMG (excellent initials) was in Southland Tales, a film that I think everyone should see if only to get a taster of what too many drugs and a pile of cash can do to a film directory. See Revolver and The Fountain for further examples. Ms Gellar (or is it Mrs Prinze Jr these days?) is a rather dumb porn star in the film, a future for her that my little brother used to wish for rather loudly after a few beers.

This bit of Southland Tales was quite nicely done and slightly less surreal than most of the rest:

At the end of the film I was still not sure whether I liked it or not. I certainly had an experience, I’m just not sure if it was enjoyable. A bit like Takeshi Kitano’s latest movies but without anywhere near as much dancing. Still a little bit of dancing though.

I need to watch more Uwe Boll films – I still seem to not dislike him as much as the general populace and, as with my dislike of mushrooms and blue cheese, I think I need to work on this as I feel I am missing out on a key part of life.

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