Lorenzo Lamas has a more rubbish hair-do than me
This evening I went to see Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus at Nicko and Joe’s Bad Film Club. I was quite fortunate to see it with Nicko and Joe talking over it, as the visuals combined with small amount of original dialogue that I did hear were enough to cause a minor nosebleed and I can only just imagine the total exsanguination that may have resulted from actually watching the film ‘as it was intended to be viewed’. I hereby request that the universe prevent, in a non-fatal manner, Deborah (formerly Debbie) Gibson from appearing in any further films. I have similar request about Lorenzo Lamas, although I am prepared to relax the fatality clause in his case.
This is the finest scene in the movie. After seeing this you don’t really need to see any of the rest.
However, on further consideration I feel that what this film needs most of all is a sequel. A brief twitter comment from movie companion Ed Whitfield got me thinking and I came up with a simple plot: Shark swims so fast at Wales (speed stated as 500knots in the first film) that on impact with the shoreline he starts burrowing and doesn’t stop until he pops up somewhere outside Paris. Other than that initial premise I have several other ideas for key scenes, including:
- The shark biting the Eiffel Tower
- The shark eating Le Pont des Arts
- The shark skidding down the Champs Élysées and straight through the Arc de Triomphe, crushing some onion sellers
- The shark arcing through the sky over an airport just too far outside of Paris to strictly be called a Parisian airport (e.g. Toulouse) but that is still referred to as such, plucking a purple liveried Ryanair jet from the air, and spitting it out with a comedy ‘Do Not Want’ caption under the picture and a grimace on the shark’s strangely expressive face
- The post credits sequence of the shark tunnel surrounded by workman as a sign saying ‘Chunnel’ is knocked into the ground by a man with an oversized wooden mallet.
While these ideas are all, obviously, awesome I was still missing a villain. Someone, or something, to fill in for the Giant Octopus of the first film. I think I have an idea, as well as an opening for the film:
We open on stock footage of the open sea. Preferably somewhere quite exotic. A desert island in the background wouldn’t go amiss. Waves roll gently and we can hear the surf lapping at something. Not sure what. Don’t care what.
CUT TO
COLWYN BAY.
CUT TO
REVELLERS on the beach pulling their cardigans tight around their shoulders as children play football wrapped in 17 layers of wool.
CUT TO
The ocean. This time slightly rougher.
CUT TO
A single BOY, shivering with cold. He wipes a drip from his nose.
CUT TO
The ocean, boiling with an infernal energy. Red light under the water (or just a red filter over the whole picture would do).
CUT TO
The BOY. He points out to sea with a look of shock and fear in his young eyes.
CUT TO
EFFECTS SHOT
The sea opens in a biblical fashion to show our villain, the MEGA SHARK, skimming across the waves towards COLWYN BAY. It opens its mouth and lets out a massive roar.
FX Slowed down motorbike, reversed and with flanger applied.
CUT TO
The BOY. He turns and runs screaming. PULL BACK to show the full (more than 6 extras would do) beach with the REVELLERS running from the now danger filled waters of the IRISH SEA.
CUT TO
EFFECTS SHOT
The MEGA SHARK. He continues to advance on the land, massive jaws biting at the air.
A SERIES OF QUICK CUTS, ACCELERATING IN FREQUENCY.
Cut between the shark (EFFECTS SHOT) and the beach, complete with FLEEING REVELLERS.
CUT TO
The rear of the MEGA SHARK. He hits the beach at speed and breaks through the sea wall, burrowing a tunnel as he goes. DOLLY IN towards the hole until it reaches about 50% frame coverage. Pause and then our title flies out of the MEGA SHARK BURROW.
MEGA SHARK
VS
THE
CERNE
ABBAS
GIANT
JARRING CHORD
CUT TO BLACK
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Posted: October 30th, 2009 under blog.
Tags: bad film club, debbie gibson, giant octopus, lorenzo lamas, mega shark