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Cancellation fees may apply

After spying a comment on twitter from Sizemore this morning that I thought may have suggested some damage to the pontiff, I jumped over to the BBC News site to catch up on the world of world affairs. Much to my dismay there was no papal fatality (not that I have any particular ill-will to His Heiligkeit, but I do so love the trappings of a papal funeral and the strange fever that the ballot paper burning, smoke watching ritual inspires in the world’s media) but I was confronted with the gurning (some would say smiling) visage of the man with Britain’s most carefully manicured wavy barnet – Sir Richard of Branson.

I will call it…The Spruce Goose.


So, Mr Branson is now wading in on something almost entirely unrelated to his normal business (that of flying balloons, funding spacecraft and getting into Superman films). Twitter has suggested that Virgin were looking into running GP surgeries but stopped, which makes comments from The Branston slightly strange, as a businessman acting out of kindness and concern for the public strikes me as odd, out of character and a sign of the end times. As such I can think of only two possible reasons that Branson is wading in to this issue at this time:

1) One of his family members/favoured household staff/endangered species pets is ill and needs to be treated in an NHS hospital.

2) He is about to launch himself into the private hospital market with Virgin Hospitals. Or “Dave & Son“, or somesuch.

I, in an spirit of journalistic integrity, decided to investigate the two options more thoroughly and have come to the conclusion that it is obviously number two – Richard Branson has no need to put any of his clan through the disease ridden gauntlet of an NHS ward as he (probably) has his own tamed doctors waiting at all times to restore failing parts of their bodies with pieces of purpose-grown clone replacements, raised from vat and tended to in giant open air clone farms that take up most of the forbidden areas between Swindon and Bristol. As such, it must be that he is about to launch face first into the literally cut-throat world of medical procedures and disease management.

Again, Twitter piped up with the comment that this may not be such a bad thing, as entrepreneurs are meant to make good administrators, but I feel that this can only lead to one inevitable result – EasyHospital.

Bright, cheery orange painted former banks opening on selected street corners (starting with that Palace of Delectation, Milton Keynes) and offering a wide array of essential and elective surgery services, with a sliding scale of prices based on when you book. Book early and save big! Book a slot in a less busy time and you’ll soon reap the financial benefits. Your porter will meet you at the door, lead you through registration and pre-op, before donning gloves, adminstering anaesthetic and finally cutting you open. Your standard service can be enhanced by the selection of a variety of tasty painkillers from the regularly visiting buffet trolley, wheeled round by your surgeon in between his portering, anaesthetising and slicing duties. They will, of course, offer a number of last minute “premium” seats^Hcars^Hcruises^Hpizzas^Happointments and beds, but these will be charged at a premium rate. Free photo of Stelios with every appendectomy.

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